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Squishy stuff

Today we have a lot of marshmallow treats and a special surprise at the end. (It’s a sandwich in a can.) Stay tuned.

I’m freshly back from a trip to Honduras. I had a fun time and saw some amazing things, but I also stopped in a supermarket before coming back and picked up a couple interesting items.

——–

First, let me introduce you to this guy. I don’t know his name, because the geniuses behind the design put everything important under the twist tie.

So… to see what it is I have to open it, and to open it I have to buy it?

I’m game.

Hello there, Mini Paleta Payaso. Google tells me that your name means “Mini Redneck Clown”.

Alright. That’s weird.

Oh no. This is not right. This gets the lowest score possible for accuracy in packaging depiction.

It’s a chocolate covered marshmallow on a stick. With gummy eyes and a mouth.

And it tastes like…

A chocolate covered marshmallow on a stick. Except the chocolate is pretty much made entirely of brown wax.

Well, it looked weird.

——–

Here’s another candy-like item from Honduras.

A Bubu Lubu bar. Strawberry flavor.

Here we see the illustration of the bar ripping out of the package. I’m guessing chocolate covered marshmallow again, with strawberry jam inside.

It looks less-than-appetizing, I must say.

And it tastes like you’d think it does. It’s pretty good, I guess. The chocolate in this one is much better than the Redneck Clown.

Not very interesting, I’m afraid. Oh well, I mostly bought it for the name.

Bubu Lubu. Ha.

Most of the candy I saw in Honduras was marshmallow-based. It’s pretty sad when you think about it.

——–

And now our marshmallow excursion takes us back to the States. You can apparently buy this next one in the USA, but I don’t know why you would.

Thanks to Jennifer for sending this one my way. It’s a doozy.

[Deep breath] Animal Planet Mallow Pals Squeezable Marshmallow, Sour Apple Flavor. So many questions.

  1. Why Animal Planet?
  2. Squeezable Marshmallow?
  3. Is this a beverage?
  4. Sour Apple Marshmallow‽
  5. If it’s squeezable, why does it have a hard plastic base?
  6. Why a tiger?
  7. Do tigers like apples?
  8. Who came up with the name “Mallow Pals”‽
  9. How many things can one thing be at once?
  10. Why only 10 cents?

Never mind on that last one. I can guess.

The back side answers none of my questions. Let’s crack it open for a whiff.

At first nothing, and then I squeeze it. A puff of air squirts out.

Vile. Pungent apple smell riding on a wave of something like ammonia.

I squeeze it with the force of 20 kindergarteners, and a pale green jelly flatulates out.

It soon becomes apparent that this is not candy. It is industrial strength bathtub sealant.

It tastes no different from any sour apple candy you may find at the store. The marshmallow adds nothing to the experience.

Bottoms up.

——–

Here comes the main event! Thanks to Kevin for sending this to me.

A CANDWICH!

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a can.

I’m pretty excited. This has the potential to be anything.

Candy inside‽ Excitement doubled.

And then the disappointments start.

Laffy Taffy is not a “candy surprise”. It’s Laffy Taffy.

Also it appears that the sandwich is packaged in a smaller package inside the can. A sandwich in plastic in a can is not as cool as a proper sandwich in a can.

And then it happens. A bigger disappointment. It’s not a sandwich at all.

It’s a sandwich kit. This is unacceptable. I feel betrayed.

Disappointment #4. Check out the size of this sandwich in relation to the can.

And they keep coming. The bread isn’t even sliced.

At this point, the Candwich ranks significantly below Lunchables in overall coolness.

Yes, yes, but what about the smell?

The bread smells like Elmer’s glue, and it’s so dry that the peanut butter all but destroys it.

I guess it kind of looks like the picture. After I made it! Jerks.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I have lost all enthusiasm for this sandwich at this point. Is it evident?

It tastes like a sandwich with really awful bread.

There’s something bothering me about the bread’s aftertaste. Struggling to find the flavor, I think “Bowling shoes” or “Wet purse”, so I think there’s a faint mildewy flavor, or maybe leather. I don’t know, it’s just not good.

Here is the only place the can hinted that it wasn’t an assembled sandwich. See it? (“peanut butter packet” and “grape jelly packet” hidden in the ingredients)

See ya sometime next week.

——–

Check out more “Adventures in eating.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. February 20, 2012 1:41 am

    Yikes: Why a clown!? WHY? I feel like when things on the internet contain pictures of clowns, they should come with a warning.

  2. Susanna permalink
    February 20, 2012 11:45 am

    Um, I’m not even kind of okay with that sour apple-flavored marshmallow tube, and you know that I enjoy anything with “corn syrup” as one of the first three ingredients. Also, Candwich, what a let down! I remember being so excited when I first saw the website. I envisioned it as a can-shaped sandwich, like someone just shoved one in there and you had to use a spoon to eat it, or something.

    • February 20, 2012 7:00 pm

      Somewhere there exists a “cheeseburger in a can” that is exactly like you describe. I’ve seen it before, and I want it.

  3. February 20, 2012 5:54 pm

    Now I’m going to have to Google Mallow Pals and see if I can find any of the answers to those questions because I have very similar ones. And you’re right — fun tiger facts do not quench that thirst for knowledge.

    Whoever put together that Candwich missed out on packaged food gold. It coulda bin awesome. Probably still would have tasted like Elmer’s glue. At least they gave you a knife, I guess.

  4. February 20, 2012 6:36 pm

    The awesome part about capitalism is that only stupid idiots would want to sell ridiculously stupid food that doesn’t even tell you what it is.

    The problem is that stupid idiots still exist. And they have our money.

  5. February 21, 2012 10:29 am

    I’m really disappointed in the sandwich in a can. I was really expecting a glorious and semi disgusting canned sandwich. Not some sort of tubed lunchable!

  6. March 11, 2012 2:02 pm

    That peanut butter looks like mustard. At least it’s made out of real peanuts.

  7. rabbit permalink
    April 13, 2012 10:46 pm

    Where you get that shirt! its AWESOME~~ :3

  8. April 23, 2012 5:47 pm

    That clown was crazy, but not as crazy as the tiger
    shaped conundrum. Somehow I thought that Animal planet
    would be licenced to something more wholsome then excessively
    packaged whipped corn syrup. They seem like the types that would
    want a more treehuggery thus healthfoody image – but guess it’s ok
    since it’s educational. 😉

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