Mushy processed peas
The grocery store near my house has a small selection of British foods, located at the end of the ethnic foods aisle. It terrifies and sickens me. I’ll give you a tour of the highlights.
Creamed rice and canned custard, folks. That sounds pretty great.
I really enjoy the translation sticker for us American types. It seems to be saying,”Don’t worry, ‘salad cream’ is not nearly as horrifying as you’re picturing. Just imagine ‘dressing’.”
I have heard of clotted cream. It sounds vile, yes, but my main question to the Brits is, “What’s with this obsession about cream and creamed things?”
Oh good, something not creamed. It’s impossible to make out in this picture, but these gummy candies are marked with names of wines: Port, Burgundy, etc. Way to ruin candy, guys.
All of these things were tempting to buy, and I may revisit this part of the store for a later post, but I was stopped dead in my tracks upon viewing the next choice:
Mushy processed peas. Batchelors brand, no less. Check out that splat! You know it’s going to be mushy. Oh boy!
Ideal for Microwaves. That’s good because I have one of those.
That’s quite a claim. We’ll just see about that.
Upon opening it, I am greeted with what looks like a soupy, green paste. It smells like peas and salt water.
Oh no… I was very wrong. This is not a soup at all. I was picturing runny, soupy, much more liquid. This… well this is unnerving to say the least.
You really need to get close up to appreciate the little bubbles trapped in the mucousy membrane.
While attempting to mash it down, it grabbed hold of my spoon. If you look closely, you will see that the spoon is not resting on the side of the bowl, but is instead adhered firmly to the alien life-form. I’m pretty sure the peas are trying to eat the spoon.
Another closeup for texture, post-mashing.
After heating, the structural properties became more evident. It’s more like mashed potatoes than I originally realized. I became entranced while stirring it. Something… happened…
Dammit! I know this. I know what this is! This means something. This is important.
Enough playing around. Time for the eating. Smells alright.
Texture is fine. Like warm Play-Doh.
It’s OK! It’s not terrible! Everybody cheer: Hip, Hip, Hoor-Adequacy!
Like the texture implied, it tastes like mashed potatoes with pea flavoring, which is pretty much the definition of inoffensive.
Then I ate the rest. Because it was $2.30, and I’m poor.
The worst part was the aftertaste. A couple hours later, and I still taste peas. So many peas.
Check out more “Adventures in eating.“